THE SECRET TO REAL CONTROL
We all have internal stress we just may not realize it.
We all experience stress. Some of it comes from outside forces (external stress). Things like traffic jams, work deadlines, and unexpected life events. But there’s another type of stress, one that often goes unnoticed: internal stress . Unlike external stress, which is caused by things that are out of our control. Internal stress is something we can manage. The secret? It all comes down to control.
As humans, we have a deep need for control. When we’re upset whether with others, our situation, or the emotions we are experiencing it is often because we feel like we’ve lost control in some way. The good news? By understanding the difference between external and internal stress we can shift our focus to what we can control (our response) and reduce the daily stress that wears us down.
When I first started learning about the mind body connection, I was struggling with severe ankylosing spondylitis and chronic iritis symptoms. One of the biggest aha moments I had at the beginning of my healing journey was realizing the majority of my stress was coming from within. I was creating it on my own. Through my thoughts, people pleasing tendencies, and perfectionism. All of it! It was a huge awakening. Once we know something, we can do better. As I gained tools to understand myself, I slowly made changes that completely transformed my life.
EXTERNAL STRESS VS. INTERNAL STRESS
- External Stress: These are things that happen to us. A delayed flight, a rainy day ruining your plans, someone cutting you off in traffic. We have zero control over these things.
- Internal Stress: This comes from how we respond to life and the challenges we encounter along the way. It’s the expectations we put on ourselves, our fears, on others and our need for things to go a certain way. Life will always be full of challenges. This is inevitable. Our mindset and perspective dictates whether these challenges rob us of our energy and power or allow us to come out on the other side stronger than when we went in.
This is a topic I explore with my coaching clients in my three month program. And, most of the time, it becomes one of the most profound realizations for them. The best part of realizing that most of our stress is internal is that control falls back into our hands. Instead of giving our control away and expelling energy we get to decide how we respond to it. We can take a moment before reacting, and if we choose a beneficial response, we effectively shut down the stress response. A major win for our health and our lives!
WHY WE CRAVE CONTROL
Humans are wired for control. Our brains crave predictability because it makes us feel safe. Research from the American Psychological Association (APA) shows that when people feel in control they experience less stress and greater well being. But here’s the tricky part. Most of us try to control the wrong things.
For example, let’s say your friend cancels plans at the last minute. You might feel frustrated because you had your day planned out. I think we can all relate to this. We’ve all had someone cancel on us unexpectedly. When it happens, it can feel abrupt. It may bring feelings of sadness, rejection, frustration, or even anger. These are all normal human emotions and it’s important to allow yourself to feel them.
Feel it, and then let it pass. Don’t analyze or overthink it. We all cancel sometimes. Overanalyzing the situation will only trigger a stress response in your body. It won’t change the fact that the person canceled. It just creates an unhelpful reaction for you. Ask yourself, What’s the point go getting all worked up about this? Sometimes we just need to pause and become conscious and use the logical part of our brains vs. allowing an immediate reaction. This is not always easy especially if the majority of your life you have been reacting. However, with awareness and practice it is possible!
While logically thinking as yourself…. is the stress coming from the cancellation itself? Or, is it coming from the expectation that things should have gone your way or the way you thought was best? The latter is internal stress and as you have already learned this is something we can control either for the worst or for the better. Letting go of that expectation can free you from unnecessary stress and help you focus on what truly matters in your life.
THE SURPRISING TRUTH: YOU CONTROL MORE THAN YOU THINK
Here’s the mindset shift: You don’t need to control everything around you to feel at peace. You only need to control your response to what happens.
In the moment when feelings of stress are setting in it can be helpful to ask yourself:
“Is this something I can control?”
- If yes → take action.
- If no → let it go.
For instance, you can’t control a coworker’s rude or hurtful comment (we have all been there). But you can control whether you dwell on it. You can’t control the weather. But you can control how you adapt your day to it.
Now, take a few moments to think about how many things in life you have absolutely no control over. Then, ask yourself, ‘What if I approached these things differently?’ How much mental and physical energy would you free up? Doing this short little exercise throughout your day would allow you to move on while significantly reducing your stress.
THE INTERNAL STRESS RESET
Feeling overwhelmed? Take a moment to do this simple yet powerful exercise. Grab a piece of paper and make a list of everything that’s currently stressing you out. Be honest and write down anything that’s weighing on your mind.
Next, go through your list and put a checkmark next to the things you can’t control—things like other people’s actions, unexpected life events, or the past. Now, cross them off. These are not your responsibility. Holding onto them only drains your energy and creates unnecessary stress.
Instead, focus on what you can control—your mindset, your actions, and how you respond. Shifting your attention to these areas will help you regain a sense of power and reduce internal stress.
Want to dive deeper? Take a some time to work through The Internal Stress Reset which is an exercise designed to help you start making real changes today!
I made you a little print out. You can download it HERE.
In Love, Health + Gratitude,
Katie